Black Widower 5.6: The Quiet Before The Storm


The next night, Angelo explained to me that the reason I wasn't able to feel him at the Nocturne last night was because he'd cut me off from the bloodbond and had hidden his presence from me the same way he hid from his prey: Angelo projected the sense of not being there. Psychic camouflage that enabled him to truly blend in with the night. Cute trick.

He also told me that the mangled empty I'd left bleeding in the dumpster the other night had been taken care of. Angelo called in a favor and it was disposed of that morning. The only thing he didn't tell me was how he knew about the kill that quickly. There was no way Angel Boy could have found out about it.

Unless he'd been following me himself.

Fuck me. Angelo had to have been following me the whole time. (Why?) was all I asked as we walked the streets of the Old Quarter that night. Hunting of course.

Angelo's mood wasn't the greatest because he hadn't really eaten in two nights and he got really cranky when he was this hungry. Angelo nearly drained me the night before so my state was not much better than his. As bad as his mood was however, Angelo wasn't above a little game playing.

With me. (Why what?) he asked, all innocence.

Yeah, right. He didn't know the meaning of the word. (Why'd you follow me, Angelo?)

He didn't seem surprised I figured it out. (I didn't follow you, glike mou.)

I snorted. (No, you just happened to be right there when I killed that guy. There, hiding your fucking presence the whole time.)

A spark of red in those deep black eyes. Angelo was getting irritated. (If you must know, I went to find you when you didn't return to the Nocturne after a few hours, then used the bloodbond to track you.)

I stared at him. (I thought you cut me from it, Angelo.)

(That's right, sweets. I cut YOU from it. Not myself. Having a fledgling who's never been on his own on the streets all by his lonesome was not something I was about to let happen.)

I couldn't help it, I smiled. (You were worried about me!)

This time Angelo was surprised. (You have no problem with that?)

(That you worried about me, of course not.) I tapped my foot. (But that's not everything, is it, Angel Boy. You found me but how long were you keeping tabs on me?)

(Long enough,) was all Angelo would answer.

(So you knew exactly who Ivan was, right?)

Angelo's face wrinkled in disgust. (I know his type, little bird.)

That didn't answer the question I didn't ask but I knew that unless I asked it, Angelo wouldn't volunteer any other information. (You saw me with him?)

This time Angelo rolled his eyes. (If you're asking me if I saw him fuck you, I didn't, ilithie. )

I laughed, which only made Angelo glower at me. (He didn't fuck me, Angelo. I never gave him the chance.)

Was that relief I saw flashing in those eyes? It was gone so fast I could've been imagining it.

(You kept an eye on me last night too, yeah?)

Angelo nodded. (On and off.)

Something occurred to me. (The alley where I made my kill was kind of far from the Nocturne, Angelo. How'd you make it back in time?)

No answer. Damn him!

I wasn't gonna let him ignore this question. (While you're at it, why don't you tell me how Ardoin found out so fast when I know the cops didn't find the body yet.)

(Why are you asking questions you don't want the answers to?) Angelo warned.

(Just tell me.)

Angelo sighed. (Fine. I didn't Sleep back at the Nocturne. When I called in the favor, part of that favor was staying with him. As for your second question, Ardoin found out because I told him and I told him because I knew if he found out later, it'd be your ass. This way it was mine.) He glared at me. (Are we done now?)

Not even close. (You were pissed when you thought Ivan fucked me when you slept with this boy who did you the favor?)

Angelo stopped dead in his tracks. (I was sleeping with him long before I met you, Weasel. It has nothing to do with you.) His eyes gleamed. (Can we call off the rest of the Inquisition until after dinner? I don't have the patience on an empty stomach.)

To be honest, I was surprised he'd already been this patient. (I just wanna find out if you knew who Len was.) When Angelo's eyebrows knitted together with puzzlement, I clarified, (The boy you saw me with at the bar.)

(You mean the boy whose silence you bought?)

Fuck. (You saw all that, huh?)
(Not all of it lover. Just enough to know you left a witness alive,) was Angelo's matter of fact reply.

Odd, I'd have thought he'd at least've been pissed about that. (So did you,) I remarked in bewilderment. That wasn't Angelo's style at all. (Why?)

A strange smile played on Angelo's pouty lips. That weird smile that meant he was amusing himself. (I have my reasons.) His hand slid under my jaw. "No more questions, sweet one," he whispered before tilting my face up and kissing my mouth.

He was distracting me but I let him instead of pushing any farther. Angelo pulled me against his body and our kiss grew deeper for a few moments before he let me go regretfully, breaking the kiss. (Food,) Angelo said softly. (Now.)

One look at the crazy light in those eyes told me not to bother arguing.

Both Angelo and I were too hungry to game, tonight it was "seize and kill," with the two of us grabbing the first healthy Norm we saw, dragging her behind a meat packing plant and Sharing her. Before long, we finished her off and her lifeless body fell from our grasp. This kill was not a neat one; we had energy we needed to replenish. Angelo and I had taken most of her blood and enough of her flesh that she looked as if someone had taken a side of beef from the meat packing plant and dressed it in her blouse, skirt, high heels and purse.

She'd been pure spice, scared we were gonna rape her and even more terrified when she realized that we were gonna eat her alive instead. Enough adrenaline pumped through her blood to get me really buzzed but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that this girl didn't deserve the death we gave her. I had no excuses this time, nothing but the fact that I'd been starving and she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. That was enough to kill the high completely.

Angelo had no such struggles with his conscience. To him, food was meant to be consumed. Period. And blood got him hot and bothered. Got us hot and bothered. No matter how guilty I felt, it didn't make me any less horny.

His lips seized mine, bruising in their intensity and I wasn't thinking of the girl anymore, not thinking of anything but Angelo's rigid cock pressing against mine as we licked each other's mouths clean of the girl's blood. We tore at each other's clothes, sank down to the ground and Shared each other.

By the time we were done, our bodies were covered with our bites, slashes and bruises and I lay in Angelo's arms. I noticed that Angelo had completely healed, there was no sign of the beating from the night before and my mind was instantly flooded with memories. Remembering Flin's beatings and how the raw meat he fed me healed me pretty quickly. And how much faster I healed from eating even the little bit of flesh from the Believer of Truth's throat. How the first bite had excited the fuck out of me. But it wasn't the flesh. It was the blood. It was always the blood.

Angelo untangled himself from me and started rifling through the dead girl's purse before tossing it on the ground in disgust. (Her creditcard has expired and she has no credit notes. She's fucking broke.)

I stared at him. (I thought we only took the money to create a motive.)
Angelo laughed and got dressed. (It takes money to make things easier, Weasel-mou. Money to dress well. Money to stay in comfortable places where the people don't ask questions about why you sleep during the day. Money buys you all types of niceties, lover mine. Besides,) Angelo grinned, (I like to take little souvenirs from my kills. Call it a habit.)

I put on my clothes and Angelo threw her corpse over his shoulder before walking towards the dumpster and tossing her body into it. One advantage to making kills near industrial areas. You always had a dumpster to throw your empties into.

Angelo and I spent the next five nights together, hunting, than going over whatever the lesson for the night was before spending the rest of the night lovemaking in either his or my room. It helped take the sting out of waking up alone the next night, but only a little because I knew what he was doing. We'd meet up later that night and the hurt I felt would quickly be kissed away and I
knew that I could either hold a grudge all night or let Angelo make it up to me.

Sure, some of those times he'd be carrying out one of Ardoin's orders, I'd learned pretty fast that Angelo's time was Ardoin's as far as Ardoin was concerned, with whatever time left over belonging to Angelo once he did what Ardoin demanded.

But most of the time Angelo was fucking around on me. Amorette had consoled me by letting me know that I was the only lover Angelo had even bothered to hide his bedtime activities from. Even Angelo had explained that they were just fucks to him, none of them meant anything. Except Dimitri and even he meant less to Angelo than I did. I knew Angelo was telling the truth. But I also knew that no matter how many times Angelo told me otherwise, it meant I wasn't
enough for him or he'd not fuck around in the first place.

So I started to ease my pain by finding comfort in other beds. Somehow, it didn't hurt as bad when I was kissing the lips of any of the beautiful boys on the Nocturne dancefloor. It didn't stab my heart when I was down in the Playground, Sharing pleasure with a group of Stalker boys. Sex provided the ultimate balm to my burning loneliness. Of course, they weren't Angelo and one kiss from him meant more than a thousand fucks from the others. But it was better than being alone until Angelo decided to meet up with me.

On the sixth night I woke up alone as always, but unlike usual, Angelo had left me a note, telling me that he had a job to do for Ardoin but that I should meet him at a danceclub called Divine at eleven.

If Angelo wanted to go there, the boys there had to be gorgeous so I decided I'd go there a little early to sample some of the wares before Angelo showed up. I got dressed, phased out and didn't even bother rematerializing until I was outside of the Nocturne.

According to Angelo's instructions, Divine was several blocks down from the Nocturne and I'd know it when I saw it. When I got there, I instantly saw that Angelo was right. I could tell it was the right club, even without the glittering letters spelling out the word "Divine." The bouncer dressed in Angel gear for one thing. Yeah, the halo he had on was a dead giveaway. No pun intended.

I didn't wait in lines anymore. I phased out, went through the wall, then phased back in once I was in the club, knowing that no one would even notice that I hadn't waited in line. I noticed that there were some dancing cages high on a platform, done up like they were the Gates of Heaven and inside the whole club it was foggy; as if the club was in the clouds.

I had several hours to kill until eleven o' clock so I scanned the dancefloor for a boy pretty enough for my taste but no one made me feel even a flicker of lust. Just as I was about to resign myself to hours of celibacy and boredom, I caught sight of him. Same dark blond hair. Same beauty.

Len. I stared for a moment, unable to believe what I was seeing. Either Dimitri had done the unthinkable and left Len alive when he was done with him or Dimitri was still fucking him. Knowing Dimitri, it was probably the latter.

Tonight Len was dressed in black. A sleeveless black muscle shirt he didn't have the muscles for and tight painted on leggings that he definitely had the legs for. Now I was feeling more than a spark of desire, Len looked damned sexy and from what he'd said the other night about his interest in me, chances were that he might be up for what those bedroom eyes were promising.

I moved towards the dancefloor to approach him but he must have seen me first because his eyes widened, fear flashing across his face before he took off from the dancefloor like a shot, pushing through the crowd as he ran out the door.

Why the fuck was he scared of me?

My curiosity got the better of me and it wasn't like I had anything better to do so I followed him outside, Shadowdancing in front of him and this time I was staring because now that I was closer, I could see that his hazel eyes were glittering feverishly and he was a shade paler than he'd been the last time I saw him. I could also feel the familiar sense of another presence that was not alive but not dead.

Len was now a Stalker. Guess Dimitri liked Len better than I thought.

Well if Len wasn't a Breather anymore, I wasn't gonna bother taking the breath. (When did he Sire you?)

Len shrugged. (The night I met him. Why do you care?) Nightspeaking was so natural to him, I idly wondered if Dimitri ever bothered to teach him to breathe when he wanted to speak like a Norm.

Dimitri had done a number on Len too. The new Stalker's throat was covered with bruises, Dimitri marked him good. I could also see that his face was still healing from being beaten up. In fact, by how swollen his lips were and the messiness of his hair, I was willing to bet that Dimitri had fucked him and fucked him up just before Len got here.

I felt sorry for him but I did warn Len about what a dick Dimitri was. (Bet you don't think Dimitri is so great now.)

Len glared at me. (What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Wea~sel?)

(I mean, Dimitri's already made you his punching bag and his new fucktoy. He marked you enough.)

To my surprise Len laughed and shook his head. (You really have no clue, do you?)

I didn't like this sudden feeling of apprehension coming over me. (About what?) I asked offhandedly, not wanting Len to know how uneasy the amused, jaded look on his face was making me.

(Fuck, you're not kidding.) Len's lips quirked into a bitter smile. (Dimitri didn't do all this to me.)

(Yeah right,) I muttered. (Then who did?)

Len's eyes glinted with fear. (Who the fuck do you think? The Black Widower. Angelo.)

I swallowed hard; a lump in my throat turning to sand. "Angelo Sired you?" I whispered, barely able to talk.

That laugh again. The hard brittle laughter of someone who was more amused at my horror than he was horrified himself. (Fuck no, why get his own hands dirty when he could just make Dimitri do it?) Len snorted (Didn't mean Angelo wasn't gonna do whatever the fuck he wanted to me anyway.)

(Like fuck you?)

(For starters, yeah,) Len replied in a flat tone. (My welcome to the family present from the Black Widower the night after Dimitri Sired me.) Len's expression hardened. In a matter of a few nights, whatever he had left of his innocence had been lost. He'd aged, even though he'd never, ever, grow any older. (And Dimitri didn't even try to stop him.)

I didn't know which bothered me more, knowing that for the past few nights we spent together, he was fucking around with Len or realizing that he'd raped Len. As much as Len had gotten on my nerves, he didn't deserve this, he deserved a Normal life. Had Angelo even given Len a choice in the matter?

I pulled myself together and managed to ask, (Did Angelo rape you just before you got here?)

Len's eyes narrowed with suspicion. (Why do you care?)

(I just do.)

(Yeah, sure,) Len muttered. (You're just oh so concerned about my welfare.)

I sighed. (It's my fault for bringing you here. If I'd known-)

(If you'd known what? That Angelo would make an example of me? Please, give me a fucking break,) Len smirked. (The only thing you're concerned about is that the Black Widower has been doing me since the night you brought me here.)

Since that night? But Angelo had been with me that night. (How? When?) I sputtered.

(Oh, right after you took off from the bar in such a tizzy. Angelo brought down one of his bastards to fill in for Dimitri and the three of us went on up to Dimitri's room.)

I gave him a look of contempt. (So you just went along with everything. I thought you were so hot for Dimitri.)

(I was,) Len replied quietly, sounding infuriatingly calm compared to my barely suppressed hysteria. (But shit Wea~sel, why wouldn't I want two beautiful boys instead of one?) A dreamy smile played on his reddish lips. (Especially when Angelo kisses like-)

(I know how Angelo kisses,) I told him, cutting him off.

(Yeah, you would know, wouldn't you? Not that I blame him for wanting you,) Len murmured, drawing closer to me. (Not at all.) Len slid his hand to the back of my neck, leaned forward and kissed me.

Len took me completely off guard, I hadn't expected that. For a moment I let him; his tongue as deliciously cold as mine now, licking insistently at my mouth and slipping inside the minute my mouth opened.

My body was overriding my conscience and I kissed him back hungrily, our bodies sliding against each other. It wasn't until I felt Len's rock hard cock grinding against my leg that I came to my senses and pushed him away. "Stop," I hissed between already unsheathed fangs.

"Why?" Len whispered. "You want it as bad as I do." His hand cupped my hard-on. (You wanted me the moment you saw me on the dancefloor,) Len kneaded and I found myself leaning into his touch, (and I got hard the moment I saw you.)

(You were too scared to get hard,) I retorted but his stroking felt too good for me to stop it.

Len laughed softly. ('cause the Black Widower told me he'd make me regret it if I ever touched you.)

Son of a fucking bitch! He'd been doing Len from night one and Angelo had the fucking nerve to tell him not to touch ME? (Did he?)

(You said all this stuff about Dimitri,) Len said, touching my cheek. (What a bastard he was and all that.)

(It's true,) I growled.

Len smiled a little. (I know. But Angelo has him beat hands down. You know why I was made, Wea~sel?)

My heart abruptly sank into my belly; the back of my neck prickling despite his offhanded tone. (Do I want to know?)

(I was made,) Len nibbled my ear then nibbling down my neck, (to amuse the Black Widower.)

(Yeah, to be his new fucktoy.)

Len snickered. (Hardly. You really don't know how that fucker thinks, do you?)

I pushed Len away and seized him by his shoulders, irritated by his insinuation that he knew Angelo better than I did. (I know what he thinks with, Len,) I snapped, shaking him.

(Buddy, it has nothing to do with fucking and everything to do with fucking Dimitri over.)

I released him. (What the fuck are you talking about?)

(See, it's this way,) Len explained, (I figured out Dimitri is Angelo's bitch. And forcing Dimitri to Change me, only so Angelo could take me for himself is the Black Widower's way of shoving that knife just a little deeper.) Len's expression was a mixture of contempt and admiration. (Fucking twisted son of a bitch.)

As far as Angelo was concerned, Len was merely a pawn, I realized with disgust. Sex was just a fringe benefit. (If he's so twisted then why let him-)

(Fuck me?) Len finished. (It does me no good to piss him off, Wea~sel. Besides, it's not like I don't enjoy it or anything. Angelo is damned good in bed.) He slid his arms around me and I found myself leaning into his embrace. "But he's a slut who will fuck any boy or girl that gets his cock hard. You deserve better than that, Jamie," he whispered, startling me by using that name."A lot better."

This time when he kissed me I didn't push him away; I bit his lips and sucked at them as we kissed deeper. The taste of his blood excited me and my hips began to roll against his, his tongue wrestling with mine. I felt my stomach tighten, my desire rising as my hands slid under his shirt and I caressed his frigid skin. Len's quick fingers unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. Then he broke the kiss and grinned. (Going commando, huh?) Len sank to his knees, his tongue flicking teasingly at my exposed shaft. I gasped, moaning as Len sucked the skin hard against his teeth, every lap of his tongue driving insane with lust. My cock grew tighter and I suddenly felt confined in my jeans but when Len's fingers reached up to tug them down, I grabbed them, panting, "I want you, but not in the middle of the street."

Len nodded, rising to his feet. (Divine's got a semi-private place we can take this.)

Worked for me.

Apparently, the bouncer knew Len so we waltzed right back into Divine and Len led the way to the back room. It was pretty functional, with cushioned benches built into the walls, cushions on the floor if you didn't want to bother with the benches and an entrance to the steam room and showers, to get cleaned up afterwards.

There were bodies everywhere, all in various states of undress. In pairs and in groups, all of them either kissing or licking or sucking or fucking. Basically a less comfortable, stripped down version of the Nocturne's Playground. Not that any comfort mattered all that much to me by this point.

(Look at 'em,) Len said, laughing. (They're all so busy getting off, you and me could drink from several and they wouldn't even know what hit 'em.)

(Don't push it,) I warned, recognizing that I'd forgotten that Len was a Stalker now, meaning he juiced like I did. Meaning that he was a blood drinker just like I was. I wasn't all that comfortable thinking about him that way. I didn't want to think about him that way. And I realized that I didn't want to have sex with him that way either.

Len just smirked. (How was Ivan?)


(C'mon, Wea~sel,) Len gave me a conspiratorial smile, (I know you had him.)

(So did you,) I blurted, getting more and more uneasy with this conversation.

(I gave him a fucking blow job and let him fuck me. You killed him.) Len ran his tongue along his lips. (I even sweetened him up for you.)

That did it. "Shut up," I hissed, grabbing Len's upper arms and slamming him against the wall before kissing him so hard his lips bled.

(Mmmm,) Len purred, (Never had you figured as the rough sex type.)

(I said, shut. the. fuck. UP!) This time I practically swallowed his mouth, anything to keep him quiet and stop saying the words that only drew attention to what he'd become. Even kissing him made it impossible to pretend because Len was getting so aroused that his fangs were down. I roughly shoved his body away from me in revulsion.

Len blinked. (What's wrong?)

I wanted to scream, "You! You're wrong! You're not supposed to be like this, you wouldn't be like this if I hadn't brought you here that night."

If I'd killed him. Everything would be better if I'd just killed him.

(Hey,) Len said softly, touching my hair, (we don't have to do this if you don't want to.) He dropped his hand. (If you don't want me,) he added with resignation, his eyes looking down at the floor.

If I was a less selfish person, a better person, I'd have told him to leave me alone, that I didn't want him. Anything to make him leave. But I couldn't resist that look of rejection, the way it made him look both vulnerable and wanton all at once.

I recognized that look. It was Angelo's look. And it didn't make Len any less desirable to me. I put my arms around him and pulled him close. (Never said I didn't want you. I do,) I said honestly.

Len raised his head and met my gaze. (Then show me,) he demanded before pulling me down to the floor.

We made quick work of each other's clothes and from that point on I wasn't thinking anymore, just moving purely on lust and need, writhing under Len's mouth as he licked his way down before giving me what he'd promised earlier.

"Fuck," I gasped, "you're fucking incredible!" And he was. If Len had been talented as a Breather, now he had a juicer's suction along with it. Add in the fangs scraping up and down my shaft and oh my fucking gods! He didn't have a Nightchild's ability to amplify that sensation but fuck, he didn't need it.

I was tingling from my head to my toes and every nerve ending kindled fires of passion spreading through my body. I violently thrust my hips forward, seeing stars and ready to come….

And he stopped, lifting his mouth off me. (Fuck me,) Len said huskily before pinning me down on my back and impaling himself on my hard cock.

Len rode me hard; taking complete control even though he was bottoming, his tongue fucking my mouth just as hard as he kissed me. I could see that sex was nothing and everything to him. It was nothing because there was no intimacy or feeling except for lust and everything because it leveled the playing field. Every thrust drove that point home until I came with a growl, sinking my fangs deep into the back of Len's neck.

But he didn't bite me. (Guess zat's something Nightkids do,) Len remarked, pulling out of me.

I withdrew, licking the drops of blood still trickling. (NightCHILDREN,) I corrected, rolling over so I was on top and he was on his back.

(Yeah, yeah, whatever,) Len replied. (You all bite when you come.)

We all. Me, Dimitri and Angelo. He was as much of a slut as Angelo was. Fuck, as much as I was. (Yeah,) I said, sliding off his body and lying next to him. (Like this?) I assaulted his chest, biting and sucking at his nipples.

"Yeah," Len breathed, sighing, "just like that."

I licked the sweat from Len's chest and belly, tasting salt and blood, getting aroused all over again. Suddenly I smelled an even more familiar scent and I looked down and saw Angelo's curls between Len's legs. Now I knew what was going on. Angelo had sent me here because he knew Len would be here and figured if we had him together, then I wouldn't resent the fact that Angelo was banging him. And I had to admit, the idea of this threesome was far from unpleasant. I liked Len. I'd been physically attracted to him from the very beginning and if anything, those feelings were even stronger now that we'd fucked. No, I had no problem with the two of us, focusing our attentions on Len.

None at all.

Well if Len wanted to be a juicer, I'd make love to him like a juicer.

Len moaned with desire as my nails and teeth took over, biting and slicing into his skin and lapping at the runnels of blood dripping from his wounds. Tasted very good. I wanted more. My teeth sank in deeper.

At first, Len was enjoying it, aroused and euphoric as I drank. But then he realized that I wasn't stopping and he began to panic. His fear was so delicious, as good as his desire and the sugar-spice was too much for me to resist. I didn't want to resist it. I let the Tiger free and began to suck harder, knowing I was juicing him but too feral to care.

Now Len recognized what was going on and he started to struggle, (What the fuck!) he screamed, but suddenly I felt Angelo drawing and before long, Len wasn't moving anymore.

I'd tasted a juicer's blood of course, but I'd never juiced one until now. I was drinking in power along with Len's blood. Not a lot of power because Len was only a Stalker, but power, none the less. And Sharing Len with Angelo got me off even more. Our mutual pleasure built on each other's, amplifying our own ecstasy and passion.

I was so fevered with lust that I was barely aware that Len was dead, until Angelo gently pulled me off him. (Lover, I've already snapped his neck, he's gone.)

I snapped out of my frenzy. "What have I done?" I whispered.

Angelo took me into his arms and held me. (What I was afraid you'd do if Len succeeded in seducing you. Like he obviously has.)

I stared at him. (You mean you didn't set this up?)

(Fuck no.) Angelo snorted. (You really think I was gonna let you do that to yourself?)

Oh shit. That was why Angelo didn't want Len near me. He knew this would happen and knew I'd hate myself for it.

But if he cared so much, then why did he get Len made in the first place. (Why'd you do it, Angelo?) I exploded. (Why did you have to get Len Changed?)

(Would you'd rather I killed him?) Angelo asked calmly.


(Well then, you have your answer.)

(But I'd bribed Len,) I protested. (He wouldn't have talked.)

Angelo shook his head. (Kaloz-mou, Len would have yammered to the world for the right price. I couldn't have that. So it was either kill him or Change him. And since I didn't feel like having any more offspring I figured, Dimtri could do it. Besides, he lusted for Len.)

(You didn't have to fuck Len,) I pointed out.

Angelo met my gaze. (No I didn't have to. I just wanted to. And I'll always want to. It's who I am.) He released me. (Can you handle that?)

His words were cruel but his eyes betrayed how much he cared about me. And he was right. He could have killed Len or even let Dimitri kill Len. But he knew it'd upset me. Knew that Len didn't deserve to die because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Only Len died anyway.

I slid my hand under his chin and tilted his face up. (Does this answer your question?)

I didn't understand how Angelo could love me but not love me enough to stop himself from hurting me. I didn't understand why he seemed determined to do anything he could, not to get close to me. But I did understand one thing.

I was winning. And I would rather have whatever love Angelo was capable of giving me than not have Angelo at all.